Drifting
by Wyrren Sarrasri
Summary: An angsty Faye snippet while she's in the bar at the start of Jupiter Jazz part 1


Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story.  No characters or concepts or places.  Got that?  Wyrren doesn't own anything.  Shame =(

This is just something I felt like writing after re-watching Jupiter Jazz part 1 the other night, cause Faye's always been a cool, intriguing character.  I think it's sad that a lot of people see her as only the CBSO (Cowboy Bebop Sex Object) cause there really is a lot more to her than that.  Anywhoozle, it's only short but please R&R.  Do enjoy ^^

PS: I've only seen up to Speak Like A Child.  I mention that just in case I say something that conflicts with stuff in later episodes

**_Drifting_**

_Alone_.  Faye Valentine thought as she sat at the bar of the Rester House in Blue Crow, cradling her drink in her hands.  Most of the customers were sitting around, having a smoke, though one or two had fallen asleep on the counter, drool pooling under their open mouths.  Faye ignored them and took another delicate sip.  _Alone_, she repeated to herself and sighed.

The barkeep looked up from the glass he was drying and gave her an enquiring look, but Faye shook her head and raised her glass slightly to say she was ok.  He nodded and returned to his drying.

On stage a solo saxophone player played a melancholy melody and Faye let the notes sink into her, as it perfectly suited her present mood.  A sad tune about love, betrayal, confusion and shattered hopes.  She felt as if no one in the galaxy cared about her, or even liked her, and she knew from experience the pains of trusting others.  That's why she'd left the Bebop, in order to spare herself the inevitable pain.  They would have abandoned her one day…better to do it to them first.  Better than staying there day after day, slowly getting used to life, slowly becoming attached to the crew and even loving and trusting them and then one day waking up and discovering them gone.  And one day they would be.  It was just one of the Lessons of Life; some people will always be alone.  And it was better to have real solitude than be alone in a group.

What was the point of staying with them anyway?  They were only trouble and it's not as if she got anything out of it.  And they were so…Faye shook her head.

Spike was so self-absorbed and didn't give a damn about anyone else's problems.  He moped about his past, but refused to listen to anyone else's.  Jet only saw her as a child who needed to be taken care of because she only ever got herself into trouble.  He did see that there was more to her than what she showed, but he didn't think her worth his time.  Ed was just mentally tiring.  It made Faye sick the way she was always bouncing around and didn't have a single clue in her entire head.  None of them cared about her.  None of them saw past the mask that she wore day in and day out.

But what choice did she have?  She didn't know who she was; she didn't know anything about herself or her past.  And if there was one thing Faye had learnt over the past three years, it was that if you don't know who you are, be what you have to be to survive.  And then, if you still don't know, be who everyone expects you to be.  To survive for all those years with a 300 million woolong debt on her head Faye had to be ruthless, callous and deceitful.  And because that was the role she'd been playing when she first met Spike and the crew, that was who she had to keep being.  The problem was, they thought that was all there was to her.  They thought she couldn't be trusted because of her history of cheating – and what kind of a history is three years anyhow? – and distanced themselves from her because of this.  And despite what Faye's exterior said, she desperately longed to be loved and appreciated.  Logically she knew that was impossible, but still the desire burned within her, and she wanted to scream out at Spike sometimes "Can't you see this isn't me?  Can't you see how I hurt inside, can't you feel my confusion?  I need to be loved so I can find myself.  Help me!"

But of course the façade would never allow that.  Besides, sometimes her inner self and outer self got so mixed together that she wasn't even sure what was real anymore.  And showing herself would only allow them to manipulate her further.  Faye knew it was better this way.  Deceive or be deceived, distance or be distanced.

_But_, Faye thought as she looked around the bar and lazily held her cigarette in front of her, _at least Spike and Jet see me as a human being_.  Every other person in the galaxy saw her as only one thing: tits.  And as useful as that could be in some situations, on a whole it was degrading.  Very degrading.

Faye lifted her still mostly full glass and muttered "Well, looks like there's nothing left for me than to get pissed." And sculled the drink in one go.  Instantly she realised that was a bad idea as her headache got worse and her nose clogged up further.  She sneezed and lowered her head onto the counter.  _So much for that idea, she thought ruefully.  Wasn't it just her luck; she was depressed and had enough money to get herself seriously drunk, but had a __cold.  Cursed Jupiter weather.  Perhaps she would get lucky and run into a fight later on.  That would certainly lift her spirits._

The stale smoke drifted throughout the small bar, and the man in the red shirt kept playing the same tune on his tenor sax, not caring that no one was listening anymore.

_'The scene hasn't changed.  The scene never changes_.

Faye's glass was refilled by the barkeep without her saying anything, and she flicked her hand in thanks.  He smiled slightly and added some more woolongs to her tab.

The saxophone in the background faded and stopped, and Faye was disappointed.  She swirled her new drink, trying to decide whether a hangover before and after being drunk was worth it, and sneezed three times.

"Take care."

Faye turned at the voice and glared at the saxophone man who stood behind her

"Yeah, that was a pretty close one." He said to Faye's sceptic look.  "If someone sneezes and no one says 'take care' that person turns into a fairy that's what they say around here you know."

Faye smiled weakly.  "Then there's no problem.  I'm already a fairy don't you know that?"

Mr Saxophone smiled and something within Faye stirred at his look. 

The smoke continued to drift.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Okay, my first angst attempt =S not fantastic, but it's the bad ones that make the other ones really good, right?  Please, please R&R, though I'd appreciate it if you left out the flames.


End file.
